If He Is Mine...

If he is mine and if I am his, one day we will be together...

Yes, he has the right to chose the easier path,
And the path he likes better,
Towards the girl he loves more.

But the stubborn me asking myself, "Is she the girl that he loves more than me? If he loves her more, the girl he met before me, then why he fell for me at the first place? Was he only playing with me? Or was falling for me a mistake?"

Or, he needs to decide, because the path towards we-will-be-together seems impossible. So "Why we need to be stuck in this situation, relationship, or feeling?" he may ask himself. "This is the best for us," he may think. Or if he is cruel, he may tell, "I want her, not you".

I can feel sad.. I can feel angry... I can ask him.. and I can tell him..
I can show my desperation,
I can show my admiration,
I can show my frustration,
or I can show to the world that I am strong.
I can choose what I want to know, to say, and to do.. or what feeling I have...
No matter what I decide, again, we will be together only IF GOD DECIDES that we will be together...

If I can stop him from winning my heart before he started, I could save him from being stuck in this situation. He may feel guilty... pressured.. I know it is hard for him. But I know, he knows that it is hard for me too...

Where I did wrong? Don't tell me that being loved and loving him is a mistake.

I am trying my best to be ready, to accept, IF he is not for me.. or IF HE IS MINE...
Only if...

His Little Acknowledgement + My Broad Smile

"Your flower (brooch on my shoulder) match your scarf", he suddenly praised.
"Owh," before I manage to reply and started to broaden my smile, he added, "And that is the end of the conversation"

Then he started looking to his phone. And I kept smiling.

That was happened when we met for the first time, this Syawal, when he came to my hometown to visit me and my family. I picked him up in the bus station, where we had that conversation.

A week after that, at our friend's wedding, I asked him if my scarf is okay and match my dress.
"Weird"
I took a deep breath, starting to show unhappy face.
"But nice!", he added.
Then I suddenly smiled, and thanked him.
"Next time, let me finish talking first," he added, because he knew that I was about to protest his 'weird' answer.

He praised me, then he cut it quickly? Hehehe.. Shy? Ego? Didn't want to make me over excited? Hahaha..  I don't care, it was still sweet and I am happy with his little acknowledgement and admiration.
His little acknowledgement draws a broad smile on my face.

Titanium - His Song

I call this song as HIS song. Because I only listen to this kind of music after being introduced by him. At first, I didn't feel as being 'introduced' but, being 'forced to listen'. Hahaha.. but, from times to times, I start liking this musics too. And this song, Titanium, make feel strong, energetic, excited, happy and.. eerrr.. loud..

Can you imagine, we both singing (shouting) in my small car this song? All of the problem that make me stress were disappeared at that time. Yeah! Here it is, Titanium...


You shout it out
But I can't hear a word you say
I'm talking loud not saying much
I'm criticized
But all your bullets ricochet
Shoot me down, but I get up

I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away

[Chorus:]
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium

[Sia:]
Cut me down
But it's you who'll have further to fall
Ghost town and haunted love
Raise your voice, sticks and stones may break my bones
I'm talking loud not saying much

I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away

[Chorus:]
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium
I am titanium
I am titanium

[Sia:]
Stone-hard, machine gun
Firing at the ones who run
Stone-hard as bulletproof glass

[Chorus:]
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium
I am titanium

Yeah, I won't fall.. I won't fall!!!!!

Jealousy

He talked to the phone so long.
He was driving and I sat beside him doing nothing. Eh, not nothing, I was listening to him.
Waaaahh.. sounds so friendly, happy, so manja..

I kept looking at him. In my heart, "Hey, I don't want to spend my time seeing you talking to the phone."

Then we stopped at the a petrol station. I did the process, because he walked away, to continue talking to the phone.

"Who was that.."
"I told you, right... she is.."
I don't remember her name.
"What she wants?"
"Owh, she asked me for being the DJ...." blah blah blah...
Actually I know, because I heard he talked.
"Okay...". In my heart, "you laugh a lot, you were teasing each other.. huh!"
Then he looked at me...
"Hey! Are you jealous?"
"No.."
Then we already arrived at a Mc Donalds. I went out from the car. And he continued, "fuyooo.. somebody is jealous.. slammed the door some more... HAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

EEeeeee.. his face at that time, so evil!!!
Jealous, why should I?

Ramadhan and Us

"Do you know when is the fasting month, Ramadhan?"
"Next month, right? Eh, no, end of this month?"
"Yes, you are right!"

"Eh, my first time coming to your house was during Ramadhan, right?"
"Really?"
"Yeah, first time seeing your family.."
"Oh ya!"
"I only break my fast with bread, so when we arrived at your house, I ate your mom's sardine curry kaw kaw.. yummy!"
"Sure sardine curry?"
"Yes, I am very sure.. I remember you call your mom first, asking what she cooked.. then you asked me, sardine can eat haa?"
"Owh.. ya ya.. hahaha.."

We came to his family house without telling his mom first. Surprise! Hahaha..
I still remember, when he introduced his sister, his mother.. They look so... pure.. with pretty smiles.. and welcoming me so warm. Sure I was shy and worry too, of course his mum asked me a lot of questions but I still feel very comfortable. No wonder he is a nice man, his family is also very nice and kind people.

After eating, he, his sister and I went to a restaurant, buying roti nan and tandoori chicken for me. Theywere so worry if I will be hungry the whole night. "You are fasting during the day.. eat.. eat.." I kept the food for my sahur.

"I remember your daddy light up the candle for me to have my sahur...!! aawwww.. so sweet..."
That morning, it was a blackout.
"Morning Uncle!"
"Morning... "
That was my first conversation with his dad.

"Do you remember how you woke up that morning?"
"eerr.. how?"
"Hei! I woke you up la...! "
"Owh, hahaha.. really ha?"
"Ya la.. pity you if not sahur.. huh, I woke you up but you don't remember.."
"Hehehe.. okay, okay.. so you will have the pahala too!"
"What is pahala?"
"Eerr.. the opposite of sin.. "
"Owh.. okay.."
"You woke me up for fasting, then you also gt the pahala..."
Now I have the word. It is REWARD.

"So, do you miss the murtabak Bazar Ramadhan? hahaha..."
"Hey, don't start"
"Hahahaha.. eh, do my parents know about your story and murtabak?"
"Hey, don't tell me that you are going to call you parents and tell them!"
"Or, I put on my Facebook status now?"
"Noooooo!!!"

Murtabak Bazar Ramadhan

The first day of Ramadhan last year, we went out. He also did not eat the whole day, saying pity me. Actually, I also felt pity him.

We went to Bazar Ramadhan, bought a lot of food. Hahaha. yes, we were greedy. Then we kept them in the car. After breaking my fast with a drink and pop corn (we were in the cinema, watching the Minion! hahaha) I performed the Maghrib prayer. Then when we were again in the car, he asked, "so where we are going?"
"Eerr.. eat what we already bought la..."
"Eh, I want to find the murtabak from Bazar Ramadhan.."
"Now?"
"Yeah...?"

Then I burst to laugh. He thought the Bazar Ramadhan was still be opened after the break fasting time. He look so innocent at that time... Hehehe.. I know I made him quite angry by laughing,but I cannot help myself. What make him angry more, was not my laugh, but I was spontaneously called friends, telling the story.

"Hey, I didn't care about when the Bazar Ramadhan is opened before this la..."

Okay, okay... I am sorry, Mr Cute

The LOVE Chicken Nugget

One night, when I was in KL visiting him, he bought me a set of chicken nuggets. Heart-shaped chicken nuggets. At first, it was not so special, I only looked at them as food. I was hungry.

But one time, he picked a chicken nugget which already broke into two pieces, in the middle. He used two sticks to pick up both pieces, one in his left hand and the other in his right hand. I was taking photos using the mobile phone he gave me when he called me, showing the chicken nugget. He posed with the chicken nugget, I took his photo. So cute and funny too.

Then, he ate one of it, and fed me the other one.Quickly, he turned, continued playing with his mixer. I didn't know what he felt, but at that moment, I felt.. uhuumm.. sweet...? For me, it was not sharing the chicken nugget, but half of the 'heart' is with him, and another half is with me.

*Why woman like to overthink about something? always have hidden message.. lalalala*

Osaka : Beautiful song, beautiful video, beautiful moments with him :)

This is the song I love to sing because of its beautiful melodies. The video also so beautiful. And when I understand the lyrics, I love this song more. Here is the English translation.

****

Along with the lovely breeze
She sprayed the honey
And stung me like a scorpion

Like the husk of the coconut
She shredded my heart
And showed me what was hidden inside

Unaware of my surroundings
I lay blissfully
Without seeing the directions
I spread my wings and start flying

Higher, little higher
She let me touch the clouds

Higher, little higher
She made my heart fly like a kite

The chilled rose on the dusty road
waved her hands, came long talking

Thames water fish came to
swim in the Vaigar river

....

In between the countryside,
came this.. (ops, I didn't have the translation here.. )

Who stir...
...

Even after opening the eye, it did not vanish
I don't understand if it's a dream of if it's real

Like a bee, sleeping on the lap of the flower
It will be wonderful to transform to that
Till the vicinity of my eyes
And I am gliding like a
Till the vicinity of my eyes,
The green carpet spreads out


****

Of course, this song reminds me to him. And his whole family. I sang this song at his family house and I love his mother's smile when I sing this song. I sang. We sang karaoke at their house and he found for me this song with English character so I can sing because I cannot read Tamil.

Again, this song is beautiful, like the beautiful moments I have when I am with him and his family.

Higher, little higher,
He made my heart fly like a kite

"Why You Fall For Him?"

Someone knows that I really love him. I really miss him. Then this friend asked me, "Why you fall for him...? Why?". I know, this friend tried to tell me, "You shouldn't fall for him".  Hurm. Why I fall for him? This is the very first reason.


************

After two days I stayed only in my room, one evening I went out for a home tuition. My student needs me, no matter how my condition is, right? No matter how miserable I feel after being ignored for 2 weeks. Hurm..

I felt a little bit motivated since she, a 11-year-old Indian girl was very enthusiastic while studying with me. Then I drove back home, felt satisfied with the 2 hours session.

On my way home, I was stuck in traffic jam. The slow traffic made me have time to look around from my car, until I saw my Mc Donalds. We called it MY Mc D because it is close to my place. The moment I saw my Mc D, it reminded me to, "This is the place both of us first met, only two of us". Can I call it as a date?

Yes, after a program when he was the participant and I was the MC, we met again when he came to join my friends and I at a karaoke place. I can say, that was our first time meeting after the program. After 8 months, maybe? Then we met again the next day for a movie, also with my friends. Man of Steel, I remember. When in the middle of the movie, he fall asleep. Cute.

So, the first time we met, without other friends, was in front MY Mc D, few hours after the movie. When he parked his bike there and joined me in my car, having long talk. 4 am until 8.30am, I remember. That morning he told me, he had crush on my. That morning. How fast our story was, right?

We also met again at the same Mc D several time. One night, that was the place when I told him about my last relationship. Last engagement. I cannot remember how he manage to dig the story. When I told my close friends and family that I was okay, and pretended that I was strong to face the frustration at that time, he was the ONLY person who knew that I was not okay. I stopped telling the story and looked outside the car, hiding my feeling when he was about to leave my car. But that moment, he realized that I was sad. He understand me and he gave advice that touched my heart. He said, "It is okay to feel sad, and cry. It is okay to show our own feelings. Then we will feel better." He made me think about myself, when before that, I prioritize others. That night, I know he is special.

When the whole world see me telling a lie about my feelings, when the whole world see a happy me, he brings the true of myself out. He lets me be myself. And that makes me feel so good, to have him by my side.

He met me for a short time, and he already manage to understand me. How can I avoid myself thinking about him, when this story was recalled when I pass that Mc D?

*******

I answered that friend, "I fall for him because when the whole world think I am happy, only he knows that I am not".

That is why, when it is hard for people to see my crying,  I can cry in front of him even for a very small matter.

Your happiness, my sufferings ; Bahagiamu, deritaku - Hafiz

Your happiness, my sufferings // Bahagiamu, deritaku - Hafiz

I hear you truly love her,
I hear your heart is hers,
She`ll be your life companion,
And I`ll just be your friend.

It hurts to admit you`re just a normal friend,
But I have to forcefully accept fate.

What I know is,
I don`t want to forget this love.
You sparked the fire,
Lighting up the old memories.

I don`t know how to value your love,
I failed to protect it.

Leave me, slowly I`ll accept it.
The more I suffer,
The more you`d be happy.

Why do I become weak?
Truly, I don`t expect she`ll bring my heart along with you,
Along with you....

*Hurm, why do I become weak...?


 

Is It Wrong? - Salahkah (Rossa & Hafiz)

This new song, by my favorite singer, Rossa really touches my heart. The song reminds me to him. The song is about love, a forbidden love. This is my second time translating song to English. Hope the meanings of the song still maintained as the original, in Malay.


Is it wrong?
If I love you with all my heart
Even I am sure
It is without family's blessings

Let the world spin
As time flies
Until one fine day
The forbidden love will be blessed for us

From far I run
Catching dreams
Feel like it is impossible for me to have everything

Then I realize
Is it possible
For our love to be mine?

Is it wrong if I love you?
Love with all my heart

The Shirt

He took me out, after few days at his family home.We went to Times Square. Before reaching there, I was so happy seeing KLCC. Call me 'budak kampung', I don't mind. KL is not my place, so it is normal for me to be excited, right?

He was acting like a tour guide. Showing me his favorite shops, playing the piano staircase and showing me the theme park inside the mall.



To be honest, he walked so fast. I know, window shopping is not his interest. I didn't feel like to shop when he asked me if I would like to buy anything for myself. I only wanted to go out. Until we reached a shop and he showed his interest in finding new shirt.

To be specific, shirt for him to go to work.

After he said, "Expensive!" to a shirt, then I think I have a better idea what is the price range of shirt he was looking for. If he said that price is not expensive, then I will not come to the idea, "Let me buy you new shirt!". Hehehe...

Going to a better price shop, I showed him a white shirt with pink and red strips. "Cute!" I said.
Not strips actually, dashed lines? I don't know how to call it, but it was really cute. When he tried, OMG OMG OMG! He looked so good. Like an innocent cute smart guy. I was melting! Since I have extra money, I searched for more shirt until we agreed with another white shirt with black stripes. The pattern is also nice.

When we reached home, we ate and prepared ourselves to sleep. But suddenly, he said, "Will you iron my shirt?"

That was my first time, iron someone's shirt other than my own family members'. And I was so willingly doing it for him. The sweet part was, he stayed awake in his room, opened the door a little bit so he can see me. And I can see him too. Never feel like being bullied, I only feel love to do things for him.

"I prepared both shirt, tomorrow you choose"
"You choose. I will wear your choice"
"Hurm.. this pink one?"
"Okay... "

The next day, I texted him when he was at work, asking if everything is fine with the new shirt. I was quite worry because I have no idea about how a man's formal attire should be. Maybe it is too short or too casual for him. I was nervous. During the break, he replied, "It's from you, so it's all about the person who bought..."

He really knows how to make me feel loved. And he really made me learn how to love him more.

He Lied to Me

"Do you love me?"
"Nope"
After a few seconds of silent, I asked, "Was it a truth or a lie?"
"Lie"


He lied to me, and it made me smiled.

I love the way you lie...

He is Everywhere...

I started writing this yesterday --->

He is everywhere.

The day started with checking my mobile phone, I hoped for a text message from him. But it is okay, he was still sleeping, I guess. I did nothing until afternoon, I cooked spaghetti. Then I remembered he and his family ate spaghetti I cooked at his home. I love the way he appreciates what I prepared. But today, I prepared spaghetti only for myself.



Then I watched a movie. The movie never fail to make me cry. It was maybe my 3rd time watching it. Sad Bollywood movie, Kal Ho Na Ho. But this time I cried more, not only because of the triangle love story, but this time, I see myself in the movie. And I also see him. About loving someone very much but we need to let the person go. And one more thing, about how a man makes the lady know how to fall in love. Just like how he did to me. Hurm.. let the person go? Can I say I don't want?

Okay, maybe I spent my time so much at home, alone. I need to go out and will feel better, I thought. Because today is the first day I have nothing to do and stay home after few busy and rushing days. So maybe staying alone and do nothing make me miss him more, I thought. So I decided to go out. I went out to pay his motorbike monthly payment.

He gave me the money last 2 weeks and needed my help to pay for him; pay to the motorbike shop. The shop is close to his place. I mean, his previous place, where I used to went around with him. When I drove closer to the shop, I felt like my heart squeezed. Every angles reminded me to him. I went to the Public Bank he used to go. I withdrew money there and felt like he is waiting for me in the car, before I realized he wasn't. Of course he wasn't, he is in KL, I am in JB now. That is why he asked for my help to pay his bike. Hurm.. I took a deep breath.


Before going back to my car, I saw the laundry he used to send his clothes, where the lady once thought I am his wife. Hurm.. I felt like my heart stopped.

Then I drove, passed through a mamak shop. The shop where we used to eat, drink and online. Yusoof. I once said, "Yusoof, your boyfriend" when he was so excited to have lunch there. And it was the place I laughed at him, when he was taking both legs up to the air because of few cockroaches. He really hate cockroaches and can jump because of them. Okay, now I am smiling =)

I headed to the motorbike shop, and called him, to confirm the shop's name. But actually, more because I wanted to hear his voice. He did not pick up. It is okay, he was doing something with his family, maybe. He is a family man. I love seeing him having fun with his family. I know they are a happy and very good family. I know them. Hurm, I miss them. And I cried.

After paid a month payment, I left. I know it was the right shop, I can see his name on the log book. Before going home, I went drive thru Mc Donalds, ordered a meal, and an ice cream. I called that restaurant, his Mc D. Because that is the Mc D he used to go and online. I joined him too several times. He used to online there with his metallic light blue laptop and red headphone. I once came to sit beside him after we fought, there. I sat, ate and went online too. After silent for few minutes, then we back to normal. That is one of the best things about him. His silent after we fight make him look very cool and only make me feel like wanna hug him. Even he look scary, I know he cares about me. Owh, I miss him.

I left the Mc Donalds with my burgers, french fries, Coke and vanilla ice-cream. I must go home fast and rest, no difference between staying home or go out, I am still remembering him.

Having the ice-cream, I remember, I ate an ice-cream before when he was driving. Yes, when he was in JB. Then he asked me for the ice-cream. Automatically, I put my ice-cream in front of his month. He ate my ice-cream.


Then he asked, "Have you shared an ice-cream like this with another guy before?".

After a pause, I answered, "No".
"So, this is your first time sharing a vanilla cone ice-cream with a guy!" Remembering this and his smile, make me miss him more. And I cried.

I forced myself to be occupied with two movies last night. I felt more relaxed and better. And after finished watching movies, alone, I decided to sleep. Going to bathroom, remembering that the toothpaste I used was given by him. "Go sleep faster, faster!" I talked to myself. I hug a teddy bear. Eh, but it is a 'puppy'. Teddy puppy. I felt so comfort put my face on the soft teddy puppy's face. Before I realized, I started to cry again, because he was the one who gave me the teddy puppy.

I looked to my hand phone while lying on my bed. Had no message or missed call from him. "It is okay, it is okay," I talked to myself. I took a very deep breath, staring to the beautiful pink handphone, again, the handphone he gave me, and I whispered, "God, please lend him to me a little bit longer..." I have no strength to pray "Please make him mine for my entire life..." but I know, I want to be with him so much.

Teddy puppy knows how tight I hugged it. Teddy puppy knows, he is everywhere in my life. Everywhere.