If It's Wrong to Love You, Then My Heart Just Won't Let Me be Right

I am thinkin' of you
In my sleepless solitude tonight
If it's wrong to love you
Then my heart just won't let me be right
'Cause I'm drowned in you
And I won't pull through
Without you by my side

I'd give my all to have
Just one more night with you
I'd risk my life to feel
Your body next to mine
'Cause I can't go on
Livin' in the memory of our song
I'd give my all for your love, tonight

Baby can you feel me
Imagining I'm looking in your eyes
I can see you clearly
Vividly emblazoned in my mind
And yet you're so far like a distant star
I'm wishing on tonight

I'd give my all to have
Just one more night with you
I'd risk my life to feel
Your body next to mine
'Cause I can't go on
Livin' in the memory of our song
I'd give my all for your love tonight

You are beautiful, Cantik

I always call myself as ‘cantik’. It means beautiful or pretty in Malay. I love to introduce myself with my name added by ‘cantik’ at the back. It is a habit. And he will make face everytime I say that. (I am smiling remembering his face)

Talking about beautiful, one day I met him with a scarf that I rarely wear. When he saw me with that golden brown scarf, he stopped and stunt. “Wow, you are beautiful!” and he looked so serious. Seriously, I was very shy at that time. I quickly replied, telling him; my day was so hectic. How I ran here and there, and even have no time to iron my scarf. I showed him how crumpled the scarf was. I said, “I feel like a mess”.

“No, you are beautiful. No problem if you didn’t iron the scarf. You manage to wear you scarf neatly on your head and the crumples of the scarf lying on your chest and at your back look very fashionable. You look right, you are beautiful. Cantik!”

Then I had no word to say.

That day was one of my perfect days with him. I still remember his smile.

 

We Have No Reason to ...

I want to tell him, “Even you have no reason to love me anymore; I still have no reason to stop loving you.”

Yes, I have no right to force him to stay, but I also have no strength to force myself to ignore my own true feelings.

The trouble with love is

It can tear you up inside

Make your believe a lie

It’s stronger than your pride.

The trouble with love is

It doesn’t care how fast you fall

And you can’t refuse the call

Say you got no say at all.

~Kelly Clarkson~

I Hate You but I Miss You

One day I texted him, early in the morning,
“I hate you, but I miss you.”

He was working. But he quickly replied my text,
“hahaha.. me too!!!”

The night before, we were fighting. I don’t remember what we fought about. But I can conclude that we always fight about making decision on where or when to meet. One more issue, when I am driving and he suggest this and that. Even where and how to park. I know that I am not good in sense of road direction and thinking about direction while driving or doing something else, so I always feel that situations make me so stressful and be more sensitive. I know he cares and he tries his best to help me and make things happen. But we fight. Then I feel like I hate him. He also said that he hate when I cry after a fight. We fight with each other. Then we have a silent. Then…

“I hate you but I miss you…”

 

Don't Eat Fried Food

“I want drink and food”
“Me too. Let’s grab some”, he agreed.

He took two bottles of drinks. Ribena for him and ice lemon tea for me.

“How about food?”, he asked.
I hold a packet of tempeyek with a broad smile. Tempeyek is made of flour, nuts and anchovies, traditional crispy food and it is deep fried. 

“Hurm, let us try to eat something that is not fried. It is better to have food with no or less oil,” he suggested and then he took away my tempeyek which I showed him, he put it back on the shelves. He went to another shelves and I followed him in silent.

“See, you can choose one of these. Biscuits? Cakes? It is better”

I cannot hide my frustration. I don’t want to have biscuits or plain cakes. With no smile, I replied, “it is okay, I don’t need food. Drink is enough”

I did not mean to reject his suggestion, I agree with him. Yes, “I am fat, I know”, I talked to myself :-(

He looked into my eyes. He took deep breath and went back to the previous shelves. He grabbed the tempeyek again.
“Okay, okay.. we take this…”, he said softly and he paid. Then we walked to the car.

“Just now I wanted to suggest the best for you. For your own benefit, okay?”
He told me when we were inside the car, he gently put his hand on my head.
“I love you, I care about you.”

I smiled. He is so sensitive with my feeling. And he is also trying his best to advice me in the gentlest way he can. I really admire the way he cares about me and my feelings.

I did not tell him that actually the tempeyek was not for me. I took the tempeyek for my juniors who were in the recreational forest for a camp that night. He and I were going to the campsite that night and I planned to bring some food for them. I didn’t want to tell him that I did not eat that tempeyek, because his words and actions were really make me feel loved.

I will take care of myself more, because I know he cares.        

The Fact Is...

Translated lyrics for 'Terlalu Cinta' ;

Don't come closer or
Don't come back to me
I am suffering
For not having you

I am trying to live
With someone else
But my heart is always
For you

Why all these
Happened to me

God, forgive me
For can never stop
Dreaming about him

But I can do nothing
Because the fact is
I really love him

Finger in Pain

I was in the kitchen, ready with an empty plate in my hand and was heading to the rice cooker, which its lid already has no handle. Without thinking, I tried to open the lid only with my finger and "Ooocchhhh!!!"

Quickly, I put my finger into my mouth. Then I checked, it was red. Because the lid was hot. I was sad. Not because the little pain I felt on the finger but I miss him.

******

One day, I was with him on our way back from JPJ. It was his first time renewing his driving license. No more P on his license now, he was so happy. He said, it is meaningful for him, "I collect this first license with you!".

While driving back, he tried to charge his iPad, connecting the cable into the car cigarette lighter in my car. It was not charging. Even that is my car, it was long time ago since the last time I used the compartment to do charging, so I am not sure what was the problem. So he was the one who struggled with the cable, while driving.




He tried to push the button inside the compartment with its cap. When he took out the cap, it was hot. So he said, "the lighter is functioned". He passed me the cap, while he was trying to connect again the iPad charging cable. "Hold this. Careful, it is hot"


At the same time, we were arguing about an issue. He was angry and we were in silent for a while he was still checking the iPad and its cable. I was doing something else, maybe checking my mobile phone or simply looking on the road. Forgetting that I was holding the hot cap, I suddenly misplaced my fingers so I touched the hot surface. I was screaming, my finger was in pain.

"You haaa....!!!!"
He slowed down the car.
"You are so careless! I told you, it is hot!!!"
He hold my hand, "Let me see..."
"It is okay, I am okay...", I replied.
"Let me see...!", he was checking my finger, and rub it with his finger. I was looking at him, he still look angry but I felt love.




*****
It was the same finger. The different is, he was not here.

I drink Milo, SO WHAT ???

He can look fierce.
His earring under his lip and on his ear help him to look like a gangster. Hehehe...
Without his smile that he can hide the dimples he has on his both cheeks, I expected him to drink coffee or teh tarik at mamak stall.

But when he ordered "Milo suam satu...!", my friends and I were surprised. What? Milo?



Not only my close friends and I. One evening, he was about to order Milo too as usual, but before he ordered, my younger brother ordered Milo ice and my younger sister laughed at him, "What? Milo??Hahahaha...!!!" Watching that scene make him changed his mind, "Sirap, please...". After leaving my family (it was his first time meeting my family), he admitted, he ordered sirap because he didn't want to be laughed by my younger sister.

But, still, sirap is also not a drink I will expect he ordered. hahaha...!

Feel thirsty when we are on our way to somewhere? If we stopped to buy drink, he buy a bottle of Ribena. Ribena! The truth is, the drinks he choose make him look cute to me (",)

Few times he questioned me when I laughed at him after he ordered his drink. "I drink Milo, SO WHAT ???", with dissatisfaction. Hurm, I am smiling while writing this.

One day, he will leave me or I will leave him (even I don't know how I will do this). I will never forget his tone when he said, "SO WHAT...?" I will never forget him when I see Milo, sirap and Ribena. Now, he is everywhere in my life. He is good in giving advice to me, motivating, inspiring and calming me. My life is influenced by him in many aspects. From drinks, the way I think, speak, eat, talk and sleep. No matter if he gave advice softly or argued aggresively, I will always find that I am grateful to know him.

We drink Milo, SO WHAT ???

God, please lend him to me longer.